I didn’t choose this life. I didn’t choose to be transgender. Since I was a child I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know why I was here. My body seemed unreal. Looking in the mirror, seeing my face.
When I was a teenager, I was bullied at school and at home. Nothing I did was right. Everything I did was stupid. Now these thoughts are still with me. I cannot shake them. But it seems that it’s not only me who is holding me back.
It’s been seven months and no fucking job. I keep hearing that money doesn’t buy love. Money doesn’t buy happiness. But without money, there’s no home, no food. Happiness becomes scarce. Love is no longer free when you don’t have a job.
I try to stay strong, but when other people don’t care to see your worth, it just seems pointless. I know they don’t see me as I see myself. They only see a feminine guy. A gay guy. When they hear my voice, they don’t hear the woman that I feel inside. But it doesn’t matter how my voice sounds. I have the right to exist, to be seen as I present myself.
It’s been very hard to socialize. I shut myself in. I just don’t want to be misgendered; to be called sir instead of ma’am. He instead of she. And yes, I use the ladies’ room. I never had a problem before, but with all the shit that’s going on about the HB2, I’m afraid I may be confronted or even attacked in the ladies’ room. The fear of predatory men attacking women and children in the restroom is complete bullshit!
My mind seems to be going through thoughts like a tornado, swirling around with no end. I don’t sleep much. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to sleep. Reading and writing has been my addiction lately. I want to keep my brain working in a controlled order as I read beautiful poetry that inspire my own poetry. Words help me get through the dark days. The days I feel overwhelming emotions. The days I feel numb.
Other times, I wish I could sleep forever.
This is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday hosted by Linda G. Hill. This week’s prompt is to write something based on a word that has the letters mb, in that order. I chose the word numb.
Here are the rules:
1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.
2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.
3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” “Begin with the word ‘The’,” or simply a single word to get your started.
4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people can come and read your post! For example, in your post you can write “This post is part of SoCS:” and then copy and paste the URL found in your address bar at the top of this post into yours. Your link will show up in my comments for everyone to see. The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.
5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.
6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!
7. As a suggestion, tag your post “SoCS” and/or “#SoCS” for more exposure and more views.
8. Have fun!